Agony-Aunt
a club for those who are having problems with life and need some advice
PROBLEM 47
I'm not even sure where to start. All I know is that I'm desperately in need of advice. My problem is a long and complicated one.
I'm 23, and have been lonely for as long as I can remember. My only ex seemed to be happy with the status quo, and in all the time we were together, never did more than put his arm around my shoulders. We broke up nearly four years ago.
Two weeks ago, I got together with a man I'll call Paul. We met online, exchanged a few emails and spent hours talking in IM. It was soon decided that we needed to meet in person, and since he lives close by, we did so the Thursday before Valentine's weekend. We clicked as well in person as we did online, and it was only three days after meeting in person that we decided to make the relationship official.
Since I'm completely inexperienced at romance, I really have no idea what I'm doing. My mother raised me and my brothers alone, so I had no parental example to refer to. I explained this to Paul, and while he was surprised, agreed that we should take things very slowly and communicate the whole time.
Here's where the story gets complicated. Paul and I have done a lot of talking about our respective pasts as well as our future goals. I want to save myself for marriage, and that includes any heavy petting. Paul, on the other hand, is anything but a virgin. In fact, he's very into BDSM and is openly sadistic, to the extent that his Submissive enjoys pain. I was terrified of the very notion at first, but have had time to process that, along with the fact that he's had a couple-ten women (I'm not exaggerating). I try not to think about that last bit. I've come to trust him, and he says he's clean, but will get another test to show me just in case.
This is a list of all that I'm concerned about regarding Paul: he's a sex addict through and through, he's a sadist (I'm NOT a masochist in any sense of the word), he doesn't have a college education, he's currently unemployed (laid off from his job as a long-haul trucker seven months ago) and living with his parents, we are of differing intensities regarding our respective religions (I'm dedicated, he's not) though we agree on many individual beliefs, he's very deeply in debt, and strange as it may seem to add this, he does often have a creepy feel to his mannerisms.
On the positive side though, he's heart-meltingly sweet. For example, my roommate doesn't like him at all, and when I approached him and asked if he'd mind if we spent time elsewhere, he agreed, no questions asked. He brought me flowers. He loves my body, which I'd concluded was a virtually impossible feat. When I asked him if there was anything he'd change about me, it'd be only that my self-confidence was higher. He has great difficulty restraining himself from spoiling me with nice restaurants and trinkets. He feels and acts very protective of me.
The most immediate problem is that we are both very physical people. We have discussed and set physical boundaries, but have a tendency to push the envelope. Each time this happens, I end up feeling guilty and afraid and he gets angry with himself for going too far. Tonight though, he tried to put his hand down my pants. I was in a position to be able to grab his wrist and pull him away so he didn't touch anything, but the attempt remains. To complicate this issue further, I was molested as a child by a person in a position of trust, so being unwillingly felt up is something that petrifies me.
I do not want to break up with him. He gave me my first kiss. He has made me so happy, and to finally have the attention of a man who loves me as I am is something I've only been able to dream of. On the other hand, I'm flat-out terrified of what may happen if we continue to take risks. We've already proven that our preset boundaries mean almost nothing when it comes time for them to be tested.
Please help!
-C
advice needed-problem 47 
Caring
Devious Comments
You are not as much the odd one out as you may think you are, plenty of women have gone through what you are going through. And I know quite a lot of them, and every single one without a doubt who has broken their boundaries regretted it. And at the same time every one that kept that promise to themselves tell me that they're glad they did.
Which can be the same for you, if you try harder. I know what it is being with someone who within recently meeting them has been pressuring for intercourse, and I'll tell you, no single woman should have to go through that, it isn't fair to her. Break up with him if you must. Harsh-sounding I know, but it is for your welfare. If you say that being molested as a child scares you, think about it this way... you're a chaste with a sex addict for a companion. Only one of three things will happen:
1. He'll seduce you into submitting, because he KNOWS what he is doing.
2. He'll FORCE you into submitting, which is the very harmful/dangerous and DISRESPECTFUL part
3. If he can't get it from you, he's gonna go elsewhere. In front your face OR behind your back.
Addicts don't suddenly come off of things, especially sex. It's gonna take a LOT of time, time in which many mistakes can be made inbetween.
It's obvious he shows no intention of waiting for you. Which is NOT a good sign. Despite how sweet and caring for you he must act, if he cannot care for your ultimate and precious decision, the shenanigans all amount to nothing. I hate to sound old school, but often old school is the best school: if he doesn't want to wait, he doesn't have to. Show him the door. Keep your head high. You don't ever wanna become one of those 20 women he left behind, or you'll feel worse.
You deserve better, really. :] If you're working so hard to save it for so long, why have it forced out of you by one guy you don't know anything about? You'll be just fine, just stick to your guns. <3
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"Some people would jump on a burning bandwagon'.
I want only to give you my opinion, but I get the impression that his personality is stronger than yours, and that this relationship will end up with you sacrificing the values that you hold dear and can't get back once gone.
He may be sweet, and it matters not one jot that he doesn't have a college education, and wagon driving is a most honourable profession, but someone with his sexual appetites can only bring pressure to bear on your own values.
He needs to be told NO! in no uncertain terms, and if he can then genuinely carry on the relationship on your terms.....see how it goes.
I can't help, though, to worry that, when you do eventually decide the time is right to have a full sexual relationship, The rest of your time together will be dominated by sexual realtions that are some what more 'aggresive', than 'loving'.
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I don't want to give advice either way on whether or not to stay with him, but if I had to predict how it could turn out, the odds aren't looking good for a lasting and fulfilling relationship. And the key word is "lasting", there. Obviously since you're waiting, you're going for the long haul (no pun intended). I'm not seeing "The One" written all over this guy. I suspect with the laundry list you have up there, you're sensing it, too.
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"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep." --Scott Adams
I dont wish to sound negative but I have to agree with all 3 previous comments. My experience comes from a 4 year relationship and I definitely have no experience with BDSM but from what you describe I do suggest that you should take a no nonsense stand here.
A long term relationship with this sort of guy will more than likely head for disaster as he will keep wanting more and if you will not be prepared to offer such '
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I know that its great to feel adored, wanted, and appreciated, I've been there myself, but is it worth breaking your beliefs for that feeling? You have to be true to yourself, you want to wait until you're married before you have sex and it seems he doesnt agree with this, no matter what he might say.
One day you will find a man who will respect your beliefs and not push it like this guy is doing.
Basically, at the end of the day you're going to do what you choose to, I just hope you take into consideration all the advice the people here have given you.
Stay safe.
Xxx
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Have a problem and no-one to turn to? Then talk to ~Agony-aunt
I also urge you to seek counselling for the abuse you suffered as a child. I get a strong sense that you have not dealt with this issue the way that you deserve to. I am sure you are well aware of the lasting impact that childhood abuse has on it's victims. I really feel that once you can deal with all the feelings etc the abuse has caused you, you can then begin to feel confident about yourself and your body WITHOUT the need to gain that confidence from anyone else.
That is my biggest concern for you, you MUST learn to be confident within yourself and not seek praise and acceptance from without. You are beautiful just as you are, and you don't need ANYONE to tell you that, you've got to just know it and feel it. And anyone who tells you different is wrong. Simple as that.
You have been given good advice in regards to this person, you know in your heart that he is not the best person for you, otherwise you would not be here asking for help. The problem is, in your current state of mind, your lack of self-confidence and all the other issues that come from your abuse, you'll keep attracting men that will use you in the way that you don't want to be used and don't deserve to be used. Forget men, for a while and be you. Discover you, get to know you, and please PLEASE seek counselling for your abuse and allow yourself to heal, however long that healing takes.
so here's my advice:
RUN.
I know you don't want to, but I have HUGE alarm bells ringing and so do quite a few others.
There will be a guy for you...someday...but you need to watch out for yourself...or you're gonna get hurt.
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* Saving yourself for marriage is fine if it's what you want to do. Repeatedly pushing the boundaries sounds like it's more what your parents or peers want you to do. Sex isn't evil outside of marriage, and it's really not that amazingly awesome that it's worth waiting for. I say that as a very, very sexual person - I love sex, but if I'd waited for it I'd have been disappointed.
* You and Paul are not well matched. At all. Someone as sexually dominant as he is will not work well with someone who is wary of sex - especially with a history of abuse. It could be something you could work on but do you really see yourself being able to give him what he desires in the bedroom? If sex is that big a part of his life it isn't something you can hope will change.
He is a dominant sadist. That's fine, it's probably my idea of heaven because I like to be seduced. And he will seduce you.
* His background and (lack of) career sounds like it really means something to you. Which again, is fine - some kind of financial responsibility and life direction is something I definitely need in a partner. Again, something that won't change.
You already know this though. You just don't want to make the call yourself. Being alone at 23 is not sad, it's not a great age and in this case it means keeping your moral dignity in tact.
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